I lost my earthly father 2 years ago after many years of addiction, depression, and multiple times on Life Support. Despite being “a Preachers Kid”, my dad wrestled with many demons of his own. As a young kid, I remember that it all started with ONE really bad business betrayal that went terribly wrong that caused him to spiral out of control. . . I was about 5.
I won’t speak for him since he is no longer here, but our relationship wasn’t the closest one. As a child, I constantly fought to “fix” and help him. Nothing helped. He was so stuck in his pain, he was paralyzed with fear- on what to, how to heal, and who to turn to. So, without an answer, he turned to alcohol and pain meds to numb his pain and avoid it. This, I know was his choice. I watched it with my own eyes. The devastating effects it had on myself, my two brothers, and my precious mom would last a lifetime. Those decades were rough to say the least, but my father had a choice in what to do in his pain. He chose to run away. He chose to stay in his pain and not fight to get help. He chose to run away from God instead of turning to God. The answer isn’t always crystal clear when you’re going through any kind of pain. Freedom isn’t obvious when you’re living in bondage to your past, but sometimes the Answer to healing and moving forward is right in front of you, but your vision is so blurry, you just can’t see it...
Fast forward a few years, I studied endless hours to become a registered nurse, primarily to help patients like my dad heal and get better. I realized quickly that getting a degree wasn’t going to change or ‘fix’ my dad. No matter what I DID, throwing away the pain pills and the dozens of alcohol bottles hidden all over the house, wasnt going to CHANGE him from anything. See, real change begins in the heart. What my dad needed was a change of heart.
Fast forward a few more years, met my husband, had a few super cute kids, then was radically changed in one week when I dedicated time alone with God to ask some really hard and messy questions. I knew I believed there was a God, but I couldn’t wrap my head around all the pain and suffering that myself and my family had gone through for decades...
It was there, during that week, that I had a true encounter with the Living God, and I’ve been sold out to the Lord ever since. ...
{See, I am no different from anyone else. I am NO Supermom and I certainly don’t have it all together, I forget things all the time, I let people down, I triplebook myself to everything, I binge on peanut butter and chocolate, I sometimes yell at my kids, AND my house is a constant MESS (have you seen my Office/closet, house?! COMPLETE MESS)😂 I am also impatient, distracted, and did I mention I’m a MESS? I’m all of this AND attempt to run a FULL TIME tee shirt company/Ministry that takes a ton of time and dedication. People sometimes ask me, how do I do it all? The answer is pretty simple. I don’t. All I DO do is put God first in my life, MAKE time for Him in my everyday, and put my focus on Him. Things seem to work out in one way or another🙌🏼 ... All glory to God } oh and lots of coffee too☕️☕️☕️
Back to my dad. The night before he passed away, I sat by his bedside, holding his swollen hand, black and blue from the multiple IVs, and I just sat close to him. I had the opportunity to look in his beautiful crystal blue eyes (that he was infamous for) and because he couldn’t talk from just being intubated, and so weak, but I was able to feed him his last meal of puréed mash potatoes and applesauce. I had the absolute honor to be with him in his last hours of life, without any distractions, to fully focus, and to share Jesus with him. {Back story, my dad was a big, stocky, stoic guy, who rarely showed much emotion. I believe my dad believed in God, but he refused to talk about faith. As long as I can remember, he pretty much rejected Him as so many of us do.} . .
So, as we shared, I talked, and he would nod his head or just blink. When we finallly got the chance to talk about seeing him in Heaven, he began to really cry. Seeing him cry for the first time in a long time, I knew in my heart what he was feeling, and I began to cry.. I asked him right then, “Dad, will I see you in heaven?” Do you believe? With tears streaming down his face, He took my hand and squeezed it tightly. That’s all I needed to know to have that closure with him that I so desperately needed. His entire life I watched him keep God at arms distance, refusing to let God in, and run away, but in that moment, he leaned in, and finally let God into heart in a very sweet moment. I thank God to this day that I was able to witness the tender joy on his face and the freedom in his heart. It was visible. . .
As Father’s Day approaches, I’m reminded that no one can replace an earthly father, especially one that has left us either expectedly or unexpectedly. What I am also reminded of is that we have this promise: Psalm 68:5 "God is a father to the fatherless". . .
You see, God's greatest desire is to have an intimate, personal relationship with you. It may not make sense, it may be messy, but He’s waiting for you to simply let Him in a bit, so that He can do that healing work in you (it happened to me ). . .
You see, now I have a heavenly Father that I can talk to, hear from, relate to AND HE will NEVER leave me or forsake me. HE loves me unconditionally even though HE knows everything about me - HE will be with me FOREVER - HE sees me as SO VALUABLE HE was willing to die for me - HE wants to Comfort me in my pain, Guide me when I get lost, Rescue me in my worst troubles, Love me when I don't feel loved, Accepts me as His own child when others may reject me.
No one really knows why we go through pain and suffering, but Jesus says ‘Come to me all who are weary, with heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” Whatever sin/shame/disappointment that you carry today, He says ‘I’ll throw them into the sea of forgetfulness... He says, “What sin? What offense?” God placed the pain of sin and offense on His Son- unfailing, unconditional love so that we don’t have to run anymore.
Regrets, hurt, betrayal, pain, offense- whatever you are going through, whatever you are carrying, You CAN start over TODAY. You don’t have to carry the burden of WHAT HAPPENED to you or what is happening to you right now. Choose a different direction and don’t wait until the end of your life like my dad did to make such profoundly impactful decisions. Not only will you become free, but your legacy can be different and change the course of the lives that follow behind you. ...
This is my “Father” story.
“To the fatherless he is a father. To the widow he is a champion friend. To the lonely he makes them part of a family. To the prisoners he leads into prosperity until they sing for joy. This is our Holy God in his Holy Place! But for the rebels there is heartache and despair.”
Psalms 68:5-6 TPT
Love & Grace,
Brit